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17th December 2008

1:01pm: Toy Woolworths shop
In our local store they have loads of toy Woolies shop play sets. It's very tempting to buy one as I suspect it'll become a collector's piece. Debating if it's worth spending £20 for a bit of history.....

14th November 2008

10:38am: I don't get it either
I've been following all the posts via Zoe's journal and reading follow up articles on various sites. I'm looking at this all from a distance really, as I'm not L, G, B or T. For a while I wondered if I might be bi but I think I'm just somewhere to one side of straight on the Klein and Kinsey scales.

I've tried to keep an open mind and see if I could view the argument from both sides (A level History hat on) but really all I can see is that there are lesbians labelling themselves as Feminists who are being biogoted towards the Trans community. I think it's right that the Trans community should take a stand against this. What's the point of a group like Stonewall if they're as biogetted as those they are trying to convert, ie. straight people etc. The whole "some people are gay get over it" campaign has backfired to a huge extent as now the insult of choice from primary age kids is to call each other "gay". Surely as well, having to advertise such things on huge billboards shows a great deal of insecurity? If *we* need to "get over it" then why announce it like that? I don't give a hoot if someone is gay, lesbian, transsexual, CD, or anything else. At the end of the day we're *all* people with rights. Yes, Julie Bindel has a right to her opinion but she should also see that people have a right to disagree and make a stand. We live in a country where we do have free speech and those excercising their right to protest should be applauded and not treated like the naughty school kids.

As for PfC, well, I can't remember the last time I saw them campaign for anything. Obviously they don't feel there's anything worth changing now. There is though and that's the treatment of trans people by the lesbian and gay communities. The thing is though from what I can see the T is strong enough to stand alone if necessary but what about those people who have transitioned and don't now identify as T but do identify as L or G? Those people need a voice and to be accepted. If PfC are regarding protesters as "those people" then it's insulting and makes a mockery of the organisation.

Is it all about labels and a fear from the L and G community that the T is stronger and has more solidarity?
Current Mood: contemplative

11th November 2008

12:12am: I'm really shocked.....
by some of the comments on the Bindel guardian blog. It's nasty and horrible to say the least. I'm just glad there are people willing to stand up against it and those of us who are happy to say we're glad to have our trans sisters and brothers and to support them.

25th September 2008

4:49pm: Time flies.....
Just realised that it's been 10 years since I started at Brunel University. Blimey. That decade has flown by. I was so full of ambition then and more than a little bit naive. I never would have thought that within 6 months my world would be turned upside down and I'd meet people who'd lead me down paths I'd never have imagined. I don't regret a second of it though. There have been low points and high points but everything happens for a reason.
Current Mood: thoughtful

24th February 2008

8:24pm: Anyone in the Camby area

The niece of a friend is in this and she graduated from the course I did at Brunel! I'd love to go but there's kids parties that day. It's a fantastic show though and a great way to spend the evening of International Women's Day.

16th February 2008

11:04pm: I must get out more......
http://icanhascheezburger.com/ Got me teh giggles

2nd February 2008

9:36pm: Getting to know you
1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?

2) What was your dream growing up?

3) What talent do you wish you had?

4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?

5) Favorite vegetable?

6) What was the last book you read?

7) What zodiac sign are you?

8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.

9) Worst Habit?

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?

11) What is your favorite sport?

12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.

16) Do you have any pets?

17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?

18) What was your first impression of me? (hmmm...careful!)

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?

22) What color eyes do you have?

23) Ever been arrested?

24) Bottle or can soda?

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?

27) What's your favorite place to hang at?

28) Do you believe in ghosts?

29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?

30) Do you swear a lot?

31) Biggest pet peeve?

32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?

33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?

35) Do you believe in any god[s]?

36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same

5th January 2008

5:47pm: Is there really a point?
Somehow I ended up in hospital again last night as I felt suicidal and the crisis team and out of hours GP wouldn't help. The triage nurse treated me like I was stupid for being in a&e although she did get the crisis team to help and got me some diazepam to last the weekend. More problems came when I needed to get home. I had no one to get me home, no money for a cab and no means of getting any money. The crisis team called Zoe's mum as Zoe is my next of kin and she'd tried all the phone numbers with no answer. Zoe's mum then proceeded to slag me off to the crisis worker within earshot of me and was refusing for anyone to pick me up. Fortunately Zoe was a lot more charitable and agreed to collect me. The crisis worker was appauled by Zoe's mum's attitude and she feels that finding alternative support would be better. TBH I agree as I'm not happy about the kids being somewhere where it's obvious they are trying to steal them from me and poison the kids against me. I know Zoe wouldn't be like that but I think her mum forgets everything I've had to deal with. Perhaps I should have just walked away when Zoe came out as trans rather than sacrificing everything to support her and giving up all I was entitled to so she could have surgery. If I'd known the way I'd be abandoned when I have an illness very similar I certainly wouldn't have done the right thing by Zoe.

I don't know what to do now. I want to go to my parents but I only have 50p to last until the 14th of the month. I'm overdrawn and have no overdraft. The car insurance is going to bounce so I'll have no car. I'm surviving on stale bread, off milk and the tin of chocolates my mum gave me. What's even worse is knowing that the kids are in the lap of luxury with all their favourite treats, expensive toys and attention from 4 adults. There really isn't any point in me being around. No one needs me. I can't afford to look after myself or the children and there's no point in any one saying that they need their mum because they don't. I'm a worthless waste of space and no one would even notice I wasn't here. It would be better for everyone since I'm not able to do anything and have no life anymore

4th January 2008

7:54pm: help
having a breakdown. crisis team won't help. all they can do is sedate me if the out of hours doctor ringsback. better to find another way. life isn't worth living anymore. there's no point to it.the out of hours won'thelpeither

12th August 2007

10:49pm: Meteor shower!
Just been out watching. Wow! Seen about 6 so far and heading out again for another look :-)

17th July 2007

9:16pm: The award for biggest fibbing ad goes to.....
Phillips Satinelle Ice - aka Satanelle Ice! It's not painless. It bloody hurts and the only reason you might smile using it is if you've had lots of vodka to numb the pain!!!

25th May 2007

1:24pm: Never take the media view as gospel.....

Edit: Just heard from Zoe who is there with Sarah and others that it's actually viewed as a victory! Charing Cross didn't get what they wanted and I believe Sarah came out with a classic line to them ;-) Looking forward to reading some quotes from them later!

Edit2: Spoken to Sarah now too who has explained that it's actually not a huge deal and that what was actually said in the hearing is only a fraction of what's being reported. All in all though it's a good result!

As I put in my original post though it makes me all the more determind to get into the field of gender. It may well take years but somehow I'll work in that area.

4th May 2007

9:35am: Old School Sonic!
How cool! Just got a Sonic collection from the 2nd hand games shop and it has the original Sonic game from the Sega Mastersystem. *sigh* Nostalgia....

2nd May 2007

9:23am: Blimey!

This happened at my old school. Makes me wonder if it's getting rougher or I just saw my time there with slightly more rose tinted glasses.

30th April 2007

10:34pm: *blub*
GRS is beautiful thing. I can't even begin to imagine how it must feel. Z and I had a little blub down the phone. I'm so very happy for her.
12:38am: It's past my bedtime
Especially as I've driven over 200 miles today and I have to be up at 7am. Today has been emotional. I didn't expect it to be really. It's two fold really. I'm emotional because Zoe is so happy and to see that serene look in her eyes is beautiful. When I visited Sarah back in January I thought she looked amazing but with Zoe's it's even more touching as we have such a close relationship. On the flip side it's upsetting because although I thought we were happy during our marriage there was never this level of contentment. For me it's also hit that "he" has now gone forever. There is no turning back now. The process has been so dominant in my life too for the last 18 months, providing a different level of support and really in many ways passing on my own experience as a natal female to Zoe and watching her grow in confidence. In a way it's like a child starting school and kind of handing them over to the big wide world. You know they'll be fine but you can't help but worry a bit and then you realise that your role has changed and it's time to focus more on yourself.

Zoe will never stop being my family. No one will ever know her like I do. I'll never really "let go" as such as we'll always share such a deep loving bond that no one can break. He will always be in my heart. He was my first real love and the first person I shared my life with and fully committed to. We share a bond through our beautiful children who will always be a part of us both and a symbol that once there was a different body but still the same soul.

Suddenly though things have changed. GD is no longer going to dominate our lives. Suddenly it's time to start living for us both. I'm scared. In a way all the trans stuff has been a safety blanket and a distraction for me. I've been returning the favour in a way for all the support I've been given over the years. I guess I'm scared now that I don't have a role and a purpose. I'm a nurturer. Always have been. Suddenly all those I'm looking after have blossomed and grown and don't need to be nurtured. My best friend is now a complete woman. My baby will be starting school in 4 months and all of a sudden I'm realising my role as a nurturer is drawing to a close and I have no idea what I'll be moving onto.

My emotions are on the whole positive but equally very overwhelming. I guess it's just time to look for the next journey and see where it will lead. It looks as though I'm going to have long term company on this journey which is exciting but equally scary. There's a whole new world opening up all of a sudden. The one person though who's been there for nearly 10 years remains constant and that in itself is a great achievement.
Current Mood: thoughtful

27th April 2007

8:28pm: Mini update (unfiltered)
So...this has been an emotionally traumatic week. I think I kidded myself a little that I could calmly deal with everything. I began the week having the odd cigarette to calm my nerves but ended up chain smoking by Tuesday. I've cut down again now but it's still helping as a distraction.

I was a wreck before the surgery. There were lots of reasons for this but really from Sunday through to about 1pm on Tuesday I was overcome with the emotion seeing a family member go through GRS brings about. It was especially hard saying a final goodbye to the last remaining physical part of my husband. Zoe is my true soulmate and this whole experience has been so difficult to take in. I've seen her grow so much over the past year so the experience was positive overall but it's brought up so much from our 9 years as friends, lovers and spouses. In a way being there has made me realise that she will always be my family and our family unit will always remain intact despite everything. We're closer now than ever before and I have more empathy with her than ever before.

By Wednesday I was more relaxed and I'd like to thank everyone for being so supportive even though I was a mental nutcase.

Sadly on Thursday I felt I really should get home and spent the evening with my wonderful boyfriend who has been a real rock this past week. He went home at about 1.30 this afternoon so I was able to pick C up from school and spent the afternoon with Zoe's mum, brother and the kids. It was lovely and relaxing. Now I'm back home and this are back to normal. I'm missing Zoe like crazy and it feels odd not being able to pop over to the flat to see her. On Sunday I'm taking the girls to visit her as they're missing her and they're old enough to stay calm and behave.

I did keep a paper diary in Brighton and I expect I'll copy some of that up as some bits may be useful to anyone going through similar.
Current Mood: relieved

16th April 2007

1:37am: It's a death
To me GRS is a death. It's the ritual murder of my husband. I don't think anyone trand can understand that. To them it's a good thing. To me it has to sides. One side is positive and the positives are what you have to keep going on and on about.

The negatives are what eat you inside. That's what causes the pain and the tears. No one trans really understands that those of us who didn't want all this are grieving. Our husbands are dead. But we have no funeral to help us mourn. There is no grave we can visit and lay flowers on. If we're not supportive we're considered cruel and unfeeling. The truth of it is though it's the most painful thing we have to go through if it's not what we wanted and if we weren't lesbians.

Can you imagine what it's like to have to hide the parentage of your children? You already know what it's like to live every day as a lie. Our marriages were lies. Our children were born out of lies. We have to live a lie to protect our children. We have to lie to everyone we speak to. We have to begin lying to new partners. If we could somehow acknowledge our losses we wouldn't be carrying round so much pain and resentment. Yes, a part of us will always hate you for bringing us into your lies.

The worst part is that we have no support. If you are grieving this kind of loss there is no one there for you. You have to carry it all alone. No one actually cares. They say you're strong but inside you wish the person really was dead. You sometimes wish they had chosen the other path. At least then you could mourn properly. We are the ones cast aside. We are the ones forgotten. That awful reminder of the past. The children a constant reminder too. A burden. It's all about them. They have their communities, their cheerleaders. We're lucky if we can find a partner who can accept this baggage we have to carry round. They can pick and choose from within their community and some are lucky enough to have wives or life partners who can ride the storm with them.

It's hardest for those of us who tried to support the whole way through and then get forgotten at the end. Those of us who gave up our time, lied to our families, lied to our partners and lost our partners so we could be supportive. To be pushed aside at the final stage is the final insult. It brings the grief to a head. Not only have our husbands died but we've been supporting someone and then we're cast aside as if we never existed in the first place. It's at that point the demons start to arrive. I start to wonder how I can make the past disappear for good. If the four of us were really gone then there would be no need for lies. There would be no more pain. No more distress. We'd be protecting the innocent children who don't need to go through this. No one cares about them. No one offers them support. No one cares about their grief. Their father is dead. You can pretend it's normal for them but it's not. They aren't normal children anymore. They're different. Children who are different are treated differently. They are singled out. Surely it would be kinder to not be a part of this. Let all of the old life die.

It's all focused on the trans person and how brave and wonderful they are but really it's easy for them. They have doctors, websites, chatrooms, support groups. We are the ones who need the support. We are the ones who need to be helped. We are the ones with the children to comfort while we have our own internal breakdown.

4th March 2007

12:07am: Race for Life
I have entered the Race for Life on the 17th June in Braintree. I am going to be walking it as I'm not supposed to run due to my injuries in my knees and I shall be participating in memory of all those I know who have died from cancer and as a tribute to all those I know have made it through.

If you'd like to sponser me my page is http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/emmaoc

25th January 2007

12:16pm: Never more significant
Jem - Missing You (2004)

I wish this could be
a happy song
But my happiness disappeared
the moment you were gone
Don't think I ever believed that
this day would come
Now all I'm feeling
is lost and numb

And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I would try

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside

I'll always be thankful
for the time we had
We were blessed
I should celebrate
but I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories
just make me fall apart
And it feels like somebody's
stabbed me in my heart

And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I wouldn't cry

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side

Walking, holding hands
Talking, making plans
Touching my heart my soul

3rd December 2006

11:24pm: "You Oughta Know"

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

23rd November 2006

4:02pm: Psychology Homework - Heinz's Dilemma
Heinz's wife was dying of cancer. Doctors said a new drug might save her. The drug had been discovered by a pharmacist in Heinz's town but he was charging a lot of money for it - ten times what it cost him to make. Heinz couldn't afford to buy the drug, so he asked friends and relatives to lend him money. But he still had only half the money he needed. He told the pharmacist his wife was dying and asked him to sell the drug cheaper, or asked if he could pay the rest of the money later. The pharmacist said no, he had discovered the drug and was going to make money on it. Heinz got desperate so he broke into the pharmacy and stole some of the drug.
Taken from Understanding Pyschology - Barbara Woods

Should Heinz have stolen the drug? Why?

6th November 2006

10:32am: Nothing to see people....
Move along please and find something better to do....I hear sink plungers are great
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